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A consultant is a man who knows 97 different ways to fuck but doesn't know any women.


A man and his wife were driving on the highway when they were pulled over by a highway patrolman. The patrolman asked the man, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

"Oh, I think I was going about 65."

His wife popped up and said, "Honey, you know you were going 80."

The man turned to her and said, "Shutup, you bitch !!!"

Then the patrolman said, "Sir, did you know you had a taillight out? I'm going to have to give you a ticket for that, too."

The man said, "Oh, gosh, I sure didn't know about that."

His wife said, "Honey, I told you about that taillight last week."

The man said, "I told you to shut up, you bitch !!"

The patrolman asked the wife, "Ma'am, does he always talk to you that way?"

She said, "Only when he's drunk."


A man told his friend that making love to his wife was like the Fourth of July.

"You mean there are lots of fireworks?"

"No ... it happens only once a year."

A man was about to commit suicide by jumping off a ledge. A woman noticed him standing on the ledge and stuck her head out the window to talk to him. She said, "Don't jump. Think of your wife and children."

The man said, "I don't have a wife and I don't have any children."

She said, "Think of your parents."

The man said, "My parents are dead."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee !!!!"

The man said, "Who?"

"Well then jump, you bastard !!!"


A Texan went to hell, where the thermostat was set at 125 degrees. A while later, when the devil went to check on him, he seemed quite happy, so the devil turned the thermostat up to 150.

Later, when the devil went down to check on him again, the Texan still seemed happy; so Satan turned the heat up to 200 degrees.

Later still, the devil checked on the Texan, and the Texan was still happy. So Satan turned the thermostat DOWN to 50 degrees below zero.

When Satan went back to check on the Texan, he was standing under the icicles singing to himself, happier than ever.

Satan asked, "What's with you???? Why are you so happy????"

The Texan smiled and said, "Just look around you !!! It's obvious that the Astros have won the world series !!!!!"


A traveling salesman found himself out in the boondocks late one night, and he was lost. He drove up to an old house and knocked on the door. An old farmer answered the door, and the salesman said, "Sir, I'm lost, and I need a place to spend the night."

The farmer said, "Well, we don't have any room here in the house, but you're welcome to spend the night out in the barn with my homosexual son."

The salesman said, "Oh no ! I'm in the wrong joke !"


According to a new study, drinking wine can lengthen your life; drinking hard liquor can shorten your life; and drinking Zima just makes you a wuss.


Chelsea Clinton comes home from college and is visiting with Hillary.

Hillary asks, "Well, honey ........ have you had sex yet?"

Chelsea says, "Well ... not according to Dad's definition."


Did you hear about the guy who hired a prostitute to give him a hand job, and she wanted to charge him a finder's fee?


Did you hear about the Jewish nymphomaniac? She had to have a man every six months.


Did you hear about the new all-female delivery service? It's called UPMS. They deliver any goddam time they feel like it.


Did you hear that KFC has come out with a new "Hillary Clinton" bucket of chicken? It has two little breasts, two great big thighs, and a whole bunch of left wings.


Does John McCain wear boxers or briefs?

Depends.


How did Bill and Hillary meet? They were both dating the same girl.


A woman heckled Bill Clinton - she yelled, "You're a draft-dodging liar who pretends to be a feminist !!"

Bill yelled back: "Hey, YOU married me !!!"


How do you get 40 Cubans into a shoe box? Tell them it floats.


I accidentally went to a gay bar the other day. There were three guys there for every guy.


Jerry Garcia died and went up to the pearly gates. St. Peter ushered him into a white room where, lo and behold, Jimi Hendrix was sitting on a chair tuning up a guitar. A minute later, Janis Joplin walked in; John Lennon came in also, and sat down at the keyboard; then Elvis Presley walked in. Jerry Garcia said, "So there really IS a rock & roll heaven !!!"

Elvis looked at him sadly and said, "Heaven?"

Just then, Karen Carpenter walked in, sat down at the drums, and said, "Okay everybody, one more time, all together ... let's do `Close to You.'"


My wife is the WORST housekeeper. Every time I go to the kitchen sink to take a piss, it's full of dirty dishes.


The bartender was lamenting to one of his patrons. "You see that fence? I built it, all by myself. But do they call me "Joe the Fence Builder?" No !! And this bar here - I did all the woodwork with my own two hands - took me four weeks. But do they call me "Joe the Craftsman?" No !! But you fuck just ONE goat ......."


The Bible mentions PMS. It's in Luke. It says that Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem.


The doctor told his patient, "I have good news and I have bad news."

The patient said, "Let me have the bad news first."

Doctor says, "The bad news is that you have an incurable disease, and you have only six months to live."

The patient asked, "What's the GOOD news?"

"Well - you see that nurse out there with the great big tits? - I'm FUCKING her !!!!"


There was construction going on near the convent, and the construction workers used lots of profanity. One of the young novices went to see the mother superior because it bothered her. The mother superior said, "Don't be upset, dear, just think of them as men who call a spade a spade."

"No, they don't, they call it a fucking shovel !"


Two flies are sitting on a pile of dog shit. One of the flies lets loose with a huge fart. The other fly says, "Hey !!! Do you mind? I'm trying to eat here !!!"


What did the fish say when it hit the wall? "Dam"


What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez.


What do you call a woman with half a brain? Gifted.


What do you call the useless skin around a woman's vagina? Her body.


What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive? Popeye got really pissed.


What happens when you drink white wine with fish? They get REALLY abusive.


What has 30,000 feet and can't walk? Jerry's kids.


What is the smartest thing a woman can say? "My husband told me ...."


What's the difference between a bowling ball and a Polish woman's pussy? If you absolutely have to, you can eat a bowling ball.


What's the quickest way to a woman's heart? Through her rib cage.


Which part of a fish weighs the most? The scales.


Why are famous men always born on holidays?

Why do Italian men have mustaches? So they'll look like their mothers.


Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.


Why do women have vaginas? So men will talk to them.


Why was Louis Farrakhan's million-man march so successful? Only three of them had to take off work.


You know how some people get inspiration by looking in the Bible - they just open it up and put one finger down on a page, and do what it says? I tried that, and read what was under my finger ... it said, "Chapter 7."


Hitlerbitch ... where love reigns supreme