Never a True Christian
How to Be Saved
... according to Jesus Christ himself.

According to the Bible, after you die, you either go to heaven (a good place) or to hell (a bad, painful place) ... and that's where you'll exist for all eternity (see John 5:28-29 and Hebrews 9:27).

Let's see what the BIBLE (not some evangelist or a Baptist preacher or a catechism) says about how to get saved   —   how to get to heaven.

Let's do one better:   Let's go strictly by what Jesus Christ himself said.   Yes, I know that Paul and Peter and James wrote lots of stuff that's in the New Testament, but Jesus is GOD (see John 10:30 and Colossians 2:9).   Surely we can trust what HE has to say on this important subject.

How to be saved

Think of this as a checklist.   These are the things you have to do
(a) to be saved and
(b) to avoid spending an eternity in hell screaming in pain alongside Stalin, Hitler, Charles Manson, and me.

And let me say, my Christian friends, that you can argue with me, but you can't very well argue with Jesus.   And if you think I'm "taking these verses out of context," hell, look 'em up.

  Either you believe Jesus or you don't.

Bible Text
What JESUS HIMSELF said - his own words.
What JESUS Requires You to Do to Be Saved:

Luke 10:25-28
        On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
        "What is written in the Law?" [Jesus] replied. "How do you read it?"
        He answered: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind;' and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
        "You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live."
Love God completely. Love your neighbor as yourself.


It doesn't matter what you believe.

Well ... I guess you have to believe that God exists if you're going to love him.

Luke 18:18-22
        A certain ruler asked him, "Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
        "Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good   —   except God alone. You know the commandments: 'Do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother.'"
        "All these I have kept since I was a boy," he said.
        When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." [emphasis added]
1.   [By implication] Keep the Ten Commandments.   All of them.   You know ... no other gods, no graven images, no stealing, killing, false witness, adultery, coveting, Lord's name in vain [quick: What IS the Lord's name? Do you even know?], honor Mom and Dad, keep the Sabbath.

2.   Sell everything you own and give the money to the poor.

Friend, have you done this yet? Then you're not a Christian, are you?

Again ... it doesn't matter what you believe.   Jesus said absolutely nothing about faith or doctrine or what is going on inside your mind. He tells you that you have to do stuff in order to be saved.

Luke 14:26-33
        "If anyone comes to me and does not HATE his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters   —   yes, even his own life   —   he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.' Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple."   [emphasis added] Hate:
    (a) your father,
    (b) your mother,
    (c) your wife,
    (d) your children,
    (e) your brothers,
    (f) your sisters, and
    (g) your own life.

Carry your cross. Give up everything.

See #1 supra. You are required to love your neighbor, and you are required to hate your sister.

See #2 supra. You are required to honor your father, and also hate him.

Being a Christian sure is complicated!

John 6:53
        Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you." [emphasis added] Eat human flesh, and drink human blood [we're pretty sure that "the Son of Man" = Jesus, but even if that's not the case, "the Son of Man" has to be a reference to a human]. You have to eat human flesh and drink human blood in order to become a Christian and escape an eternity in hell.

Matthew 18:2-3
        He [Jesus] called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." [emphasis added] Become like a little child.

John 3:3-8
        In reply Jesus declared, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again."
        "How can a man be born when he is old?" Nicodemus asked. "Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother's womb to be born!"
        Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.' The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the spirit."
Be born a second time. Be born "of water and the spirit."

Whatever that means.

Matthew 5:17-20
        [Jesus speaking]   "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven." Keep all of the Old Testament commandments (all 613 of them).

And you thought you were going to get away with just keeping the Ten Commandments (see #2 supra)!

You have to be more righteous than Pharisees and teachers of the law.

Again ... not one word about what you believe.

John 3:16
        [Jesus speaking]   "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten [monogenh] son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."

We're not 100% sure that Jesus actually said this. The New Testament manuscripts do not have any punctuation or quotation marks. This could be the writer extemporizing and explaining things, as John does elsewhere in his gospel. But for the sake of argument, we'll assume that Jesus actually spoke these words.
Believe in Jesus.

Here, you don't have to DO anything. It's all about WHAT YOU THINK.

[Jesus speaking]
"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then he will sit on the throne of his glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate them one from another, as a shepherd divides his sheep from the goats. And he will set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left. Then the King will say to those on his right hand, 'Come, you blessed of my father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave me food; I was thirsty and you gave me drink; I was a stranger and you took me in; I was naked and you clothed me; I was sick and you visited me; I was in prison and you came to me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? When did we see you a stranger and take you in, or naked and clothe you? Or when did we see you sick, or in prison, and come to you?' And the King will answer and say to them, 'Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these my brethren, you did it to me.'
"Then he will also say to those on the left hand, 'Depart from me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: for I was hungry and you gave me no food; I was thirsty and you gave me no drink; I was a stranger and you did not take me in, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.'
"Then they also will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?' Then he will answer them, saying, 'Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.' And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life."
•   Feed hungry people.
•   Give thirsty people something to drink.
•   Be hospitable to strangers.
•   Give clothes to naked people.
•   Visit people who are sick or in prison.

(Note: Jesus didn't say ONE SINGLE WORD about what you believe, or about faith.)


... according to Jesus.

To sum up: In order to be saved (i.e., become a Christian and not go to hell), you must, according to Jesus Christ himself, be a

        —   God-loving
        —   neighbor-loving
        —   Ten-Commandments-keeping
        —   broke/penniless
        —   father-hating
        —   mother-hating
        —   wife-hating
        —   children-hating
        —   brother-hating
        —   sister-hating
        —   cross-carrying
        —   human-blood-drinking
        —   human-flesh-eating
        —   childish
        —   born-twice
        —   Old-Testament-law-keeping
               (you have to do this BETTER than the Pharisees)
        —   Jesus-believing
        —   person who helps people who are hungry and thirsty and naked and in prison

... and owns nothing (no possessions allowed).   Got it?

        And if you want to be an especially good Christian, you should cut off your own testicles (Matthew 19:12).   Jesus said it, I didn't.

        Most Americans claim to be Christians.   How many people do you know who actually meet all of these salvation requirements ... specified by Jesus Christ himself?

God gave us the Bible (we are told).   And yet 1700 years later, well-intentioned Christians (not atheists or skeptics) are still debating soteriology. Christians can't agree on what the Bible says about how to get saved (arguably the most fundamental religious question there is).

Humble, sincere, intelligent Christians, who are truly seeking god, who are studying the scriptures ... they sincerely disagree about what one has to do to escape the flames of hell.

I could do better than this.

I could at least make the goddam message clear.

... or you can just wear the "Our Lady of Mt. Carmel" scapular.

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