Me: Jeff, you know I'm an atheist. Do you think I'm going to hell after I die?
Xtian: Only God can know your heart.
Me: But I'm telling you that I don't believe in Jesus or God. Do you think I'm going to hell?
Xtian: Only God can know your heart.
Me: Wrong. I can damn sure know my own heart. Do you think I'm going to hell?
Xtian: Well ... God decides that. He's the judge.
Me: Do you think I deserve to go to hell?
Xtian: [Hesitates] It doesn't matter what I think.
Me: Yes, it does. It matters to me. That's why I'm asking: Do you think I deserve to go to hell?
Xtian: Uhhhh ...
Me: Let me ask it another way. If you were God, would you send me to hell?
Xtian: I'm not God.
Me: No, you're not. If you were, I guess you wouldn't be such a pussy about answering a simple question.
Xtian: You don't have to be offensive.
Me: Yes, I do. I am very offended by the fact that you might think that I deserve to be tortured for all eternity, and you won't even deny that you think that.
Xtian: Only God can judge you.
Me: I hereby give you permission to judge me on the question of whether I should go to hell after I die. Do you want me to put that in writing?
Xtian: [Silence]
Me: Have you been watching Joel Osteen on TV again? You're the most gutless Christian I ever met.
Xtian: Okay ... No. If I were to be your judge after you die, when you stand in judgment, I would not send you to hell for all eternity.
Me: So you disagree with God?
Xtian: I don't know. You haven't yet been judged by God. I don't really know if my judgment disagrees with his.
Me: Are you familiar with the plan of salvation? The requirements for becoming a Christian?
Xtian: Yes.
Me: Well, I have rejected that system. If I died right now, God would send me to hell; you would not. You disagree with God. I think your sense of morality and justice is better than God's.
Xtian: Only God can judge you.
Me: The next time you say that, I'm going to blow your fucking head off with this 9mm automatic.
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