"The Devil made me do it!"   --   GOD

"I haven't been laid in 2000 years!"   --   GOD

"HINT: Darwin was right."   --   GOD

"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition !!!"   --   GOD

"Quit telling people what I think.   You don't know shit!"   --   GOD

"Do you believe in the afterlife?   Drive off the next cliff and see if you're right."   --   GOD

"The Bible?   I had nothing to do with that obscenity"   --   GOD.

"I'm as real as the Easter Bunny."   --   GOD

"I let your Mom die a slow, horrible death."   --   GOD

"Because I said so, that's why!"   --   GOD

"I've spoken to Jimmy Swaggart and Oral Roberts, but I won't answer YOUR prayers."   --   GOD

"I let my own son be crucified.   Why do you think I care about you?" -- GOD

"Sleep in on Sunday mornings."   --   GOD

"Kill fags."   --   GOD

"I knew Adam and Eve would succumb and doom the human race, but I tempted them anyway."   --   GOD

"Worship me or I'll torture you forever."   --   GOD

"Do what I say or I'm taking my universe and going home."   --   GOD

"If you love someone, threaten to burn him in hell for eternity."   --   GOD

"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain."   --   GOD

"Hitler?   Stalin?   Pol Pot?   Ha!!!!   Amateurs."   --   GOD

"Hi everyone, I'm back!   So, did the kid behave himself?"   --   GOD

"What do Dennis Rodman and I have in common?   We've both fucked a Madonna."   --   GOD

"So who's this GOD guy anyway?"   --   Zeus

"Don't do as I DO ... do as I SAY."   --   GOD

"That part about women being submissive?   I meant that."   --   GOD

"Don't ask 'What would Jesus do?'   Ask 'Whom would God kill?'"   --   GOD

"You think YOU'RE a victim of child abuse?"   --   Jesus

"Thou shalt have no other Gods before me."   --   Allah

"I could prove my existence, but then nobody would go to hell."   --   GOD

"That part about rabbits chewing cud   -   I meant that."   --   GOD

"Hey! I just realized that GOD is DOG spelled backwards. Where is that fucker Adam? I'm going to tear him a new asshole ... again."   --   GOD

"I've been pretty much the same since I dropped that house on your sister."   --   GOD

"Having sex?   I'm watching."   --   GOD

"Columbine?   I was at lunch."   --   GOD

"Does your life suck?   It's all part of the Plan."   --   GOD

"This is just a test.   If this had been a real life you would have been notified on how to live."   --   GOD

"Remember that 'Love thy neighbor' thing? ... I meant it in the Platonic sense!"   --   GOD

"With Me AND the dog watching, I'm surprised you two can do it at all."   --   GOD

"Six billion?!!!!   Jesus Christ, what the hell was I thinking?"   --   GOD

"Of course you don't question my existence. I'm not invisible."   --   Man

"Noah's ark?   You've got to be kidding!"   --   GOD

"Love means forgiving even those who don't worship you."   --   Man

"All you people thinkin' I be white are sho-nuff in for a surprise!"   --   GOD

"AIDS, ebola, influenza, Down's syndrome, hay fever, measles, leukemia, blindness, baldness ... all part of my oh-so-intelligent design."   --   GOD

"For I so loved the world that I sacrificed Myself to Myself to appease My own anger at My own creation."   --   GOD

"Hey, you'd be angry too if you had to spend eternity with a bunch of Fundamentalists!"   --   GOD

"The Council of Nicea was wrong."   --   GOD

"Go bug Allah for a change."   --   GOD

"So the Bible was a big lie.   Deal with it."   --   GOD

"You know something?   I'm getting sick of being worshipped.   Can't you think of anything more creative to do on a Sunday morning?"   --   GOD

"The only book of the Bible that I actually inspired is Ecclesiastes."   --   GOD

"Did I ever tell you that I'm an atheist?"   --   GOD

"The Roman Empire lasted for nearly a thousand years before Christianity took over.   Less than a hundred years after that, it was conquered.   Maybe there's a message in that."   --   GOD

"That 'praying in the closet' stuff? I meant it. Now get out of the fucking schoolrooms before I strike you down with lightning !!!!"   --   GOD

"Actually, no   —   my son was Mithras."   --   GOD

"Rapture?   It's not going to happen.   Get used to it."   --   GOD