I'm a Bad American

      I like big cars, big cigars, and naturally big breasts.
      I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
      I don't care about appearing compassionate.
      I think playing with guns doesn't make you a killer.
      I believe it's called the "Boy Scouts" for a reason.
      I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
      I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe, or a misogynist.
      I refuse to be required to be tolerant of others just because they are different.
      I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez's ass gets, I'll still want to see it.
      I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.
      I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you should do it in English.
      I believe that no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T, or Marilyn Manson sang.
      I think that being a college student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.
      My heroes are Newt Gingrich, John Wayne, Ronald Reagan, and whoever canceled "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman."
      I don't hate the rich.
      I know wrestling is fake, but I still think The Rock could kick your ass.
      I've never owned or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut the fuck up already.
      I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them.
      I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a violent video game.
      I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jessie Jackson preaches.
      I think explosions are cool.
      I don't care where Ellen DeGeneris puts her tongue.
      I thought Spinal Tap was great, but Rob Reiner can still kiss my ass.
      I worry about dying before I get even.
      I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm waiting at a stoplight, and I'm pretty sure the Latina midget selling them to me is glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator packing carton outside Odessa, Texas.
      I think turkey bacon sucks.
      I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out, when I watch a freeway chase, that I know that the losers the police eventually pull out of the car are going to be gang-banging homies or vatos.
      I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a parent.
      I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.
      I like hard women, hard liquor, and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning.
      I believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room.
      The only movies that ever made me cry were The Sands of Iwo Jima and Ole Yeller.
      I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings.
      Sometimes I throw my soft drink can into the trash, even when the recycle bin is just a few steps away.
      Making love is fine, but sometimes I just want to fuck.
      I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
      Yes, I'm a bad American.