I like big cars, big cigars, and naturally big breasts.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I don't care about appearing compassionate.
I think playing with guns doesn't make you a killer.
I believe it's called the "Boy Scouts" for a reason.
I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe, or a misogynist.
I refuse to be required to be tolerant of others just because they are different.
I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez's ass gets, I'll still want to see it.
I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you should do it in English.
I believe that no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T, or Marilyn Manson sang.
I think that being a college student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.
My heroes are Newt Gingrich, John Wayne, Ronald Reagan, and whoever canceled "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman."
I don't hate the rich.
I know wrestling is fake, but I still think The Rock could kick your ass.
I've never owned or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut the fuck up already.
I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them.
I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a violent video game.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jessie Jackson preaches.
I think explosions are cool.
I don't care where Ellen DeGeneris puts her tongue.
I thought Spinal Tap was great, but Rob Reiner can still kiss my ass.
I worry about dying before I get even.
I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm waiting at a stoplight, and I'm pretty sure the Latina midget selling them to me is glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator packing carton outside Odessa, Texas.
I think turkey bacon sucks.
I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out, when I watch a freeway chase, that I know that the losers the police eventually pull out of the car are going to be gang-banging homies or vatos.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a parent.
I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.
I like hard women, hard liquor, and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning.
I believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room.
The only movies that ever made me cry were The Sands of Iwo Jima and Ole Yeller.
I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings.
Sometimes I throw my soft drink can into the trash, even when the recycle bin is just a few steps away.
Making love is fine, but sometimes I just want to fuck.
I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
Yes, I'm a bad American.